Filk is a type of modern folk music. It is often found at science fiction conventions. Many filks are parodies, though original pieces can also be filk. Most of my songs are parodies of others--three of the originals are filk themselves.
All songs are Copyright 2000-2002 Chris Phoenix. Perform freely. Copy and publish freely with copyright attached.
Contents
Hacked (Bested)
DMCA (YMCA)
Tarry, Tarry Night (Starry, Stary Night)
Choose Well
Doctor Kellogg Had a Spa (Old MacDonald Had a Farm)
Three Hours A Day Is Fine (Love Potion Number Nine)
I Filk In Self-Defense (Under The Gripping Beast)
As Loud As Ever (As Good As Any)
Slips (Wings)
Just Say No (Let It Go)
To the tune of Bested by Cat Faber
I am not in favor of breaking copyright law; I've never even used Napster. But the music and movie industries have repeatedly shot themselves in the foot, and have then argued (alas, successfully) that their pain entitles them to some very bad laws. Innocent people have been arrested. The First Amendment is threatened, and academic research has been stifled. Get informed and active!
Better the fear you can spread, the evil that's easy to show.
Hackers are pirates and terrorists too,
Threatening products that we'd sell to you.
Better the system we know.
We all have a reason to fear--the Internet stands as a foe.
Copying's stealing, no matter the why.
If they want a sample, we'll force them to buy!
Better the system we know.
The system's two centuries old, but anything new has to go!
Computers pose danger, free speech is a flaw.
Since we won't adapt we must bet on a law.
Better the system we know.
Forbid all research and fair use. The pace of achievement must slow.
Value increases when info is spread;
Our business model is already dead.
Better the system we know.
Now that the gloves have come off, close ranks to attack the free foe.
We'll use DRM and the DMCA.
We'll crush innovation that stands in our way!
Better the system we know.
To the tune of YMCA by Village People.
Young man, best be ready to run
I said young man, you are under the gun
I said young man, though your research is fun
You know, you could be arrested
Young man, there's a place you could go
I said, young man, if you tell what you know,
There's a law now, says free speech is a crime,
You could end up doing jail time.
Better watch out for the D-M-C-A
You know they want to take your rights away!
Digital Millenium Copyright Act,
It is unconstitutional and that's a fact
Better watch out for the D-M-C-A
A special law for the RIAA!
You can get yourself jailed, you can do your hard time,
Now that speech itself is a crime ...
Adobe made eBooks hard to read.
So ElcomSoft worked to answer the need.
It was legal--Russia's freer than us--
But Adobe made a big fuss...
Dimitri learned what makes eBooks go.
Then he came here to tell us what he knows.
When he set foot in the U. S. of A,
They locked poor Dimitri away
Better watch out for the D-M-C-A,
A special law for the MPAA
Digital Millenium Copyright Act,
It's a bad idea and that's a fact
It's a felony now, just to tell what you know,
Now free speech is out the window.
Better watch out for the D-M-C-A
You know they want to take your rights away.
You can get yourself jailed, you can do your hard time,
Now that speech itself is a crime ...
My friend has a cousin who's blind,
Can't read eBooks, well now what can we find
To get words out, turn the text into Braille
Never dreamed I might go to jail...
That's when someone emailed to me
And said, Young man, don't piss off Adobe
You could end up just like poor Dimitri
Locked up in the land of the free.
(alt: There's a law now called the D-M-C-A.
Fair use can get you put away.)
Better watch out for the D-M-C-A
You know they want to take your rights away.
It's a felony now, just to tell what you know,
Now free speech is out the window.
D-M-C-A ... lose your rights with the D-M-C-A.
Young man, young man, where do you want to be?
Young man, young man, do you want to stay free?
D-M-C-A ... Lose your rights with the D-M-C-A.
Young man, young man, where do you want to be?
Young man, young man, do you want to stay free?
D-M-C-A ... Watch out for the D-M-C-A.
Young man, young man, are you listening to me?
Young man, young man, do you want to stay free?
(New tune, in 3 with a strong rhythm)
Some say that before you arrive on this earth
You pick out a family to give you your birth.
You choose who your parents, your siblings will be;
Then they make you a slave, or they set you free.
Your life is your choice. Choose well! Choose well!
The wrong kind of family's a living hell.
You learn from TV and the silvery screen
About fairy-tale weddings, romance in a dream,
But I don't think I've ever heard anyone say
What the prince or the princess was like the next day.
Your life is your choice. Choose well! Choose well!
The wrong kind of dream is a living hell.
When maturity comes we give up childish things,
Like daddy's religion and mom's apron-strings,
But when choosing a mate you had best take it slow,
For we tend to return to the things that we know!
Your life is your choice. Choose well! Choose well!
The wrong kind of family's a living hell.
If you're stuck in a rut you don't have to be nice.
When you're living for others, your life is the price.
Make some time for yourself; pursue other affairs.
If you never come back then you weren't really theirs!
Your life is your choice. Choose well! Choose well!
The wrong kind of life is a living hell.
It's never the wrong time to change your whole world.
Walk away from that jerk or give up on that girl.
We come back till we learn, so the sages have said,
But there's no need to wait until after you're dead.
Your life is your school. Learn well! Learn well!
Those with courage to change may escape from hell.
Tarry, tarry night.
Paint the beaches black and grey,
Trouble lurked that sunny day,
As Exxon filled its tanker with crude oil.
Running hard aground,
Oil spread for miles around,
Poisoning Prince William Sound.
The cleanup was too slow to make a dent.
Though they never meant to spoil such perfect scenery,
We have suffered for their laxity.
Sea life had no chance to flee.
To save their money, they tried every way.
Perhaps they'll learn someday.
Tarry, tarry night.
Captain Haz'lwood drinks too much.
Past the ice he tries to rush,
Though prudence surely dictates going slow.
Captain goes below, Third Mate Cousins all alone,
Dazed and weary to the bone,
He steers her on collision course for land.
Now we understand how the crackup came to be.
We have suffered for their laxity.
Sea life had no chance to flee.
To save their money, they tried every way.
Perhaps they'll learn someday.
For almighty dollar,
They pushed their luck too far.
And with the ship in reckless flight,
On that tragic tarry night,
They ran Valdez aground, and there she sat.
But I could have told you, Exxon,
This planet can't survive too many
Accidents like that.
Tarry, tarry night.
Ten years later, beaches still
Are poisoned from that awful spill.
The bitter feelings linger to this day.
Exxon will not pay
Five billion dollars damage done,
Eight years now have the lawyers won,
While lives are choked like beaches fouled by greed.
Oil we still need, yet the cost is far too dear.
Several million tons are spilled each year.
Now we need to make them hear.
They would not listen, they're not listening still.
Perhaps they never will.
To the tune of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"
Copyright 2001 Chris Phoenix
Perform freely; distribute and publish freely with copyright attached
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And at that spa his word was law, E-I-E-I, Ow!
With a Quack Quack here and a Quack Quack there
Here a Quack, there a Quack, everywhere a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And he was fond of enemas, E-I-E-I-Oooh!
With a basin here and a (optional: mutter "don't go there" in rhythm)
... Everywhere a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And they did exercise the jaw, E-I-E-I-Ow!
With a cornflake here and a cornflake there,
Here a flake, there a flake, everywhere a Quack Quack
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And one room was electrical, E-I-E-I-Ow!
With a BZZZ here and a BZZZ th...(spoken in fanatic didactic tone: "...ere is no substance whatsoever to the allegation that my Patented Electrical Stimulator was involved in the death of that unfortunate gentleman. The device is completely safe and effective and I urge without hesitation that it be adopted and installed at once in every...")
...where a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And at that spa the baths were raw, E-I-E-I-Ow!
With a cold plunge here and a cold plunge there,
Take the plunge, freeze your buns,
Everywhere a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And at that spa they ate no meat, E-I-E-I-Ow!
With a soybean here and a millet there,
Chew dry toast, skip the roast,
Everywhere a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And at that spa they Fletcherized, E-I-E-I-Ow!
With a hm hm hm, hm hm hm hm hm, hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
(Hms follow the tune, then continue for a *long* time with chewing motions)
...Everywhere a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E-I, Ow!
And at that spa the bills were high, E-I-E-I-Ow!
With a treatment here and a surcharge there,
Every Quack has a Bill,
Everywhere a Quack Quack,
Doctor Kellogg had a spa, E-I-E, I Owe!
Copyright 2001 Chris Phoenix
Perform freely; distribute and publish freely with copyright attached
I took my gee-tar to the con last night
I met some singers and they treated me right.
We sang till we were hoarse, though it didn't always rhyme
And when it came to sleeping, three hours a day was fine.
I didn't sleep, I was a singing fool.
I've been this way since those all-nighters in school.
We propped up our eyelids and we sang another line
And said don't you worry, three hours a day is fine.
We went to the con-suite and drank more Mountain Dew
We said we'd go to sleep after this one, maybe two
We learned more songs--the tunes were old, the words were new
Sang round the clock, all weekend long, Sunday night too!
I didn't know if it was day or night
I started filkin' everything in sight
But when I tried to drive, fell asleep and crossed the line
I learned it isn't true that three hours a day is fine.
(Instrumental break)
Sang round the clock, all weekend long, Sunday night too!
I didn't know if it was day or night
I started filkin' everything in sight
But when I tried to drive, fell asleep and crossed the line
I learned it isn't true that three hours a day is fine.
Three hours a day is fine.
Three hours a day is fine.
Three hours a day is fine.
For a CD boxed in plastic smooth, as hard as miser's heart,
"The Gripping Beast" inscribed thereon, with nifty cover art,
I bargained with a dealer when the hour was dark and late,
I took it home, I played the songs, and thereby sealed my fate.
"Under The Gripping Beast" has all the songs I'll filk
And if Echo's Kids don't like it when I do things of that ilk,
They shouldn't write such catchy tunes that sink into my brain.
I filk them all in self-defense, or I would go insane.
I sat there that first evening, the player on "repeat".
I listened to the harmony, I thought the words were neat.
I, unsuspecting, let the magic enter through my ears.
Their songs would echo in my head through all the coming years.
The magic waited patiently to take me by surprise.
I've always had songs in my head, while I subvocalize.
But their songs will not let me go, all hours of day or night.
I listen till a word transforms, and then I have to write.
Their songs and stories brought me joy, inspiration too.
With their creations in my brain, I do what I must do.
I'm slipping ever deeper now into their music's power.
It's getting worse; from thought to end, this song took just one hour.
I've filked five Echo's Children songs, with two more on the way.
I'll probably be filking them until my dying day.
I wait and fear the hour when their next CD's released.
The songs will cling, but give me rest from those of "Gripping Beast!"
These next two have a story behind them. One of my favorite filk groups is Echo's Children, which consists of Cat Faber and Callie Hills. At the Consonance filk convention a couple of years ago, Callie showed up on crutches with her broken wrist in a cast. And she still played the flute! I was so impressed, I filked two of Echo's Children's songs that same evening. (They liked them.) BTW, Cat told me that Wings is the most filked of all her songs.
I stepped into an oil slick and fell upon my ass--
Left me with a limp and with my wrist in plaster cast.
I told the doc to work so I could hold my flute and play.
Fate may send me pain, but the music's here to stay.
Well certainly it hurt a lot and slowed me down a bit,
But I won't stay at home and cry, I'll sing and deal with it.
I'll do my best because my best is pretty damn OK.
Misfortune cannot keep me down; the music's here to stay.
It really doesn't matter if your body isn't whole.
Your skill is in your fingers but your music's in your soul.
You're injured or you're hurt, well there are other ways to play--
Life giveth and life taketh, but the music's here to stay.
To the tune of Wings by Cat Faber
Slippery sidewalk with oily surprise,
I stepped upon it with unseeing eyes.
Tail over head like the leaves the wind flings.
Suddenly, my feet had wings.
Creature of air, for but a second,
Gravity pulled, it tugged, it beckoned.
Suddenly hurting to surprise me,
"Ouch, it's my wrist I've hurt," thus cries me...
Lack of dexterity, flashes of pain,
Doctors who prod me again and again--
But that's not the worst, though I don't mean to bitch.
Under the cast is an itch.
To the tune of Let It Go by Cat Faber
This one has a story too. That same weekend, in a long-running filk circle, I asked Callie for one song too many at 1AM Sunday morning. As an apology, I filked a third Echo's Children song...
There's a problem that you face because your singing is inspired.
Fans will always want to hear you, never thinking that you're tired,
And though evening turns to morning as the circle runs too long,
Your fans will ask you for another song.
You've got to just say no, just say no.
There are fans who ask for encores, but don't let them run the show.
If you sing for every whim that flitters through a filker's head,
You will never have the time to go to bed.